why is this so hard?

i know i know, its been a while.

hear me out though.

first off, Ryan and i have a roommate. and the computer has been squirreled away for the better portion of a week (Ryan's farms died too on farm ville)...

and before that, i dunno, i guess i was just to depressed to write anything.

lemme delve a little into that for ya.

everybody, and i mean EVERYBODY, was sure that October would be "our month". we were married in October, this year is 2010, and our anniversary is 10/11. so people were sure that conceivement would happen because of the date (10/11/10). hell, i even believed it a little.

and my beautiful aunt gifted Ryan and i energy work (which takes its toll on the giver but is a very beautiful process) to help conceive, and being the spiritualist that i am, there was alot of "stuff" going on there as well.


plus, i was ovulating on our anniversary.

oh, and we went to big bear for a family get together and everyone kept telling us to relax and try on a weekend away from home.

so when i got those crampy twinges 2 days before aunt flow was due, i knew that this month was not our time.

poor Ryan, psycho brandee on the rampage because aunt Flo drops by. (at least the hormone levels are better now. we've been off estrogen and on progesterone. MUCH better).

so depression came when the first tampon was used.

why is this so hard?

i seriously lay awake at night and lament this over and over and over.

why is this so hard?

i mean, its so bad that i am having a hard time going over to my in laws every weekend (a standing dinner date on Sunday nights). my in laws (both parents and siblings, as well as super nephew and soon to be super niece) are a bit overbearing at times, and though i know they mean well, they just don't get it.
its hard to see my husband play cars and blocks with my nephew and not be mad at the situation we're in. hell, when he asks me to sing, or color with him, or grabs my hand to show me stuff, or just kisses and hugs me goodbye, its my undoing. there have been many Sunday night drives home in tears while Ryan snoozes in the passenger seat (its a 18 min drive home Ryan, hold it together til we get home).

we haven't been over there in 2 weeks (i was sick with a sinus infection one Sunday and just couldn't deal with "it" the other).

I love the holidays, but I'm dreading this year so much. between the "maybe you should stand on your head, rub your tummy counter clockwise, recite the alphabet backwards and cross your eyes" advice, the "so are you and Ryan ever going to start a family" questions, the "oh, this will look great on your kids after soandso is done with it" help, the "aren't they such a cute family? just look how adorable soandso is" comments and lets not forget "super fertile women" telling me how wonderful motherhood is, how is a fertility challenged couple supposed to do it?
our roommate is 21, and as such, she drinks like i used to drink at her age. maybe i should start up again to get thru the holidays?


seriously, i cant do this any more. how do i tell Ryan that I'm done. we'll adopt someday, but not right now? i feel like such a failure all the time. and i hate giving up too. but hell, its been 2 1/2 years now.

insanity is doing the same action over and over again and expecting a different result.....

is that what this is? insanity?

and FYI, I'm tired of hearing "in gods time, when its his choice, blah, blah, blah." i know you re trying to comfort me lady, but it doesn't comfort me, ok?

dammit, i just want a little bundle of joy to cherish and love. is that too much to ask?