Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I cannot remember a time at all when I didn’t dream about being a mother. I feel very strongly that we are all on this planet for a very specific reason and I have always thought that my reason was being a mother. I have always wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet. Ever since I was a little girl, my daydreams and "playing house" always had a least one child, if not more.
And then I found the man of my dreams
(no actually, he really truly is. I had a dream of Ryan waiting for me at the end of the aisle, deja vu of our wedding day to the little white lights, when I was about 20. Ask me about it sometime and I'll fill you in.)
And we started trying to have a baby 2 months before our wedding.
And now we are nearing that 2 year wedding anniversary.
So this waiting is extremely hard. If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know these emotions that you encounter along this bullshit journey — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.
And that journey goes like this ...
You start trying and you stop partying so hard and start thinking up baby names and what your child will call you and how you'll tell your folks and siblings and most importantly, your spouse, that you are pregnant. Then you've been trying for about 6 months, and everyone else was getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. And its not just family members and friends, its that woman who buys fried chicken from you everyday, who is complaining about the morning sickness she is experiencing with her 4th child (whom she didn't want mind you) while she is absolutely ignoring her other 3 children who are screaming on the other side of the counter. Come on lady, supervise your fricking kids and be an active mother. MY mother would never have let my sister and I act like that in public. We actually did once, and were banned from the grocery store together with her for a few years. But I digress...
After a while, frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
So basically, the first year is spent trying and trying and trying. Sex starts out as fun but after a while it starts to become a chore. You have an alarm setup in your phone to get up and take your basal temp everyday at the same time.
Another year goes by. Now you've added 2 more alarms in your phone, both for taking your hormones, supplements and of course, that prenatal vitamin that makes you EXTREMELY nauseous. And acupuncture treatments and acupressure treatments begin. We went to the doctor (hence the hormones) and are told we just aren't in sync.
So then you start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.
With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.
Everyone, it seems, becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for them and extremely resentful. Family events become a chore at times; they become more difficult with the addition of every happy child. And these events are torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for these fertile women, I feel like a heinous bitch for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, especially myself. And I sit there at those events, while they all chat about how great it is to be a mother, and how wonderful their children are, and how pregnancy is such a wonderful experience, and wonder, when will it be MY turn? why has the universe given me such a difficult road to travel right now? Why can't I bear children with as much ease as these women, and then become part of their mother conversations. But, as the last one of my girlfriends to get married, it seems that I must be the last one to ever get a child too.
The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem. especially since I can't drink my stress away, nor soak in a hot tub, or hot bubble bath, or do any of the stuff that relaxes me because it can be harmful to either conception or a fetus.
So here we are with no results.
This image is from post secret
That's right, Aunt Flo reared her ugly head yesterday, and she came with a full force.
But I have found a little sanity this week. Understanding how you feel, accepting it and acknowledging it. Taking those feelings and holding them to your breast like a new born child so you can feel something other than despair and longing.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate.
And then I found the man of my dreams
(no actually, he really truly is. I had a dream of Ryan waiting for me at the end of the aisle, deja vu of our wedding day to the little white lights, when I was about 20. Ask me about it sometime and I'll fill you in.)And we started trying to have a baby 2 months before our wedding.
And now we are nearing that 2 year wedding anniversary.
So this waiting is extremely hard. If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know these emotions that you encounter along this bullshit journey — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.
And that journey goes like this ...
You start trying and you stop partying so hard and start thinking up baby names and what your child will call you and how you'll tell your folks and siblings and most importantly, your spouse, that you are pregnant. Then you've been trying for about 6 months, and everyone else was getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. And its not just family members and friends, its that woman who buys fried chicken from you everyday, who is complaining about the morning sickness she is experiencing with her 4th child (whom she didn't want mind you) while she is absolutely ignoring her other 3 children who are screaming on the other side of the counter. Come on lady, supervise your fricking kids and be an active mother. MY mother would never have let my sister and I act like that in public. We actually did once, and were banned from the grocery store together with her for a few years. But I digress...
After a while, frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
So basically, the first year is spent trying and trying and trying. Sex starts out as fun but after a while it starts to become a chore. You have an alarm setup in your phone to get up and take your basal temp everyday at the same time.
Another year goes by. Now you've added 2 more alarms in your phone, both for taking your hormones, supplements and of course, that prenatal vitamin that makes you EXTREMELY nauseous. And acupuncture treatments and acupressure treatments begin. We went to the doctor (hence the hormones) and are told we just aren't in sync.
So then you start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.
With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.
Everyone, it seems, becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for them and extremely resentful. Family events become a chore at times; they become more difficult with the addition of every happy child. And these events are torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for these fertile women, I feel like a heinous bitch for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, especially myself. And I sit there at those events, while they all chat about how great it is to be a mother, and how wonderful their children are, and how pregnancy is such a wonderful experience, and wonder, when will it be MY turn? why has the universe given me such a difficult road to travel right now? Why can't I bear children with as much ease as these women, and then become part of their mother conversations. But, as the last one of my girlfriends to get married, it seems that I must be the last one to ever get a child too.
The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem. especially since I can't drink my stress away, nor soak in a hot tub, or hot bubble bath, or do any of the stuff that relaxes me because it can be harmful to either conception or a fetus.
So here we are with no results.
This image is from post secretThat's right, Aunt Flo reared her ugly head yesterday, and she came with a full force.
But I have found a little sanity this week. Understanding how you feel, accepting it and acknowledging it. Taking those feelings and holding them to your breast like a new born child so you can feel something other than despair and longing.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
this email I recieved from my dearest of family touched me so deeply that as I read it and re-read it over and over agin, I cry. Each time I read it, I cried the kind of soul clearing kind of cry you don't get that often but always seem to need. I love you Jaime! Thanks for the light in my dark tunnel.
"Brandee~~
The one thing I don't ever want you to do is apologize for how you feel. You have the right to your feelings and to express them and anyone who knows and loves you will understand this. If you need to scream and cry, then dammit, you've earned that right. First and foremost you are not alone. Many nights I've woken up with a dream of holding a baby in my arms. It thrills me and scares me. It thrills me because this is what I want most someday. It scares me because all of the women in my family have had horrible, difficult pregnancies and miscarriages. I know that when the whole world seems to be having 5 children without batting an eyelash, and it's the one thing you want MOST and it isn't happening, it can make you feel like you are broken. You are not broken. Stewart and I continue to pray for that baby to make it's way to you and Ryan to give you the happiness you deserve. Stewart and I are here for you. Remember, you are not alone. Anything you need, anytime, I am here. You want to talk about, cry about it, laugh about, I am here. Not only do I understand you, I feel your emotions. I can feel the pain you are going through and that it is breaking your heart. I refuse to stand by and let it break YOU. Keep your faith that you are Ryan will have the family you dream of.
With a LOT of love,
Jamie"
"Brandee~~
The one thing I don't ever want you to do is apologize for how you feel. You have the right to your feelings and to express them and anyone who knows and loves you will understand this. If you need to scream and cry, then dammit, you've earned that right. First and foremost you are not alone. Many nights I've woken up with a dream of holding a baby in my arms. It thrills me and scares me. It thrills me because this is what I want most someday. It scares me because all of the women in my family have had horrible, difficult pregnancies and miscarriages. I know that when the whole world seems to be having 5 children without batting an eyelash, and it's the one thing you want MOST and it isn't happening, it can make you feel like you are broken. You are not broken. Stewart and I continue to pray for that baby to make it's way to you and Ryan to give you the happiness you deserve. Stewart and I are here for you. Remember, you are not alone. Anything you need, anytime, I am here. You want to talk about, cry about it, laugh about, I am here. Not only do I understand you, I feel your emotions. I can feel the pain you are going through and that it is breaking your heart. I refuse to stand by and let it break YOU. Keep your faith that you are Ryan will have the family you dream of.
With a LOT of love,
Jamie"
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Good kharma
Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ...Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
patience is a virtue
This picture is of my nephew Eddie and Ryan.
I want this for us so bad, I weep with the
thought of the want sometimes.
OK, so I have realized that I am not a patient person.
Let me go deeper into this and tell you how I came to this brilliant conclusion.
My husband and I have one of those "All about Us" books. we purchased it and filled it out on our 1 year anniversary of meeting. and while we headed out to the laundry tonight to dry our still wet work clothes, I grabbed it off of the entertainment centers shelf and thought I would go back and read our entries and see how they pertained 5 1/2 years later. and the majority of those answers held true thru the years, and a few changed, but what I found myself doing was remembering how I filled that book out so much faster than Ryan because I wanted to be finished with it so I could read our answers and compare them and have this piece of history in my hands and how he took his time with his answers. and I remembered not being patient and trying to help him with his questions, and getting frustrated when he wasn't fast enough for my tastes.
and mind you; I'm re-reading this book while I'm waiting for laundry to dry, and I keep looking up to check the timer on the dryer. ask me what was so pressing; nothing. I had nothing to do at home (a rare thing let me tell you), didn't have to go to bed early because I don't work until 10am tomorrow, and it was early enough in the evening that I didn't feel like I was running into Ryan's sleep time (HE does work early). I wasn't patient enough with the timer on the dryer.
and looking back now, I can see my non-patient ways on the past few days easily.
Patience may be a virtue, but it is not one that I have.
so it can come as no shock that I am having issues with this "trying to get pregnant" stuff for the past 2 years.
that's right, you read it right; 2 years. 730 days. 104 weeks. 24 months. enough time to carry 2 children to term if we were to get pregnant back to back.
and frankly I'm tired of being patient.
So; this is my blog I guess. I've had a lot of bad advice along the way, and frankly, I've felt pretty alone the whole way (though I do know that Ryan is with me the whole time) and when I get frustrated with someone or something; I'm quick to post it on facebook. But I've been told that I've said some things that would be hurtful.
Please don't be so sensitive and get hurt by something you read on here. I am woman enough that if I have a problem with you, I'll say it to you. So, if your sensibilities are upset easily by bad language or you're one of those people who think everything is about you; then please find another blog to read, but thanks for stopping by.
but i need a venue to vent and cry and scream and laugh and love on, and this is my choice. if something hits you deep inside, please comment. let me know that I'm not alone out here. My husband is a great guy, but he doesn't get it sometimes. and while some people do understand, most of them don't.
OK, I've been going on a tangent here, and lets get back to patience.
I need to learn it, and I'm trying.
but, this morning there was a BFN.
f-me. really?!?! I've been nauseous for 2 days now. and i know that its in my head now. but still. why can't we be prego now. I'm done waiting. I'm done with the doctors appointments, pills, acupressure, acupuncture, books, prayers, good thoughts, karma beads, journals, temp takings, ovulation microscope taking, no caffeine, no chocolate, no heavy lifting, blah blah blah.
patience; how I hate the idea of you.
I want this for us so bad, I weep with the
thought of the want sometimes.
OK, so I have realized that I am not a patient person.
Let me go deeper into this and tell you how I came to this brilliant conclusion.
My husband and I have one of those "All about Us" books. we purchased it and filled it out on our 1 year anniversary of meeting. and while we headed out to the laundry tonight to dry our still wet work clothes, I grabbed it off of the entertainment centers shelf and thought I would go back and read our entries and see how they pertained 5 1/2 years later. and the majority of those answers held true thru the years, and a few changed, but what I found myself doing was remembering how I filled that book out so much faster than Ryan because I wanted to be finished with it so I could read our answers and compare them and have this piece of history in my hands and how he took his time with his answers. and I remembered not being patient and trying to help him with his questions, and getting frustrated when he wasn't fast enough for my tastes.
and mind you; I'm re-reading this book while I'm waiting for laundry to dry, and I keep looking up to check the timer on the dryer. ask me what was so pressing; nothing. I had nothing to do at home (a rare thing let me tell you), didn't have to go to bed early because I don't work until 10am tomorrow, and it was early enough in the evening that I didn't feel like I was running into Ryan's sleep time (HE does work early). I wasn't patient enough with the timer on the dryer.
and looking back now, I can see my non-patient ways on the past few days easily.
Patience may be a virtue, but it is not one that I have.
so it can come as no shock that I am having issues with this "trying to get pregnant" stuff for the past 2 years.
that's right, you read it right; 2 years. 730 days. 104 weeks. 24 months. enough time to carry 2 children to term if we were to get pregnant back to back.
and frankly I'm tired of being patient.
So; this is my blog I guess. I've had a lot of bad advice along the way, and frankly, I've felt pretty alone the whole way (though I do know that Ryan is with me the whole time) and when I get frustrated with someone or something; I'm quick to post it on facebook. But I've been told that I've said some things that would be hurtful.
Please don't be so sensitive and get hurt by something you read on here. I am woman enough that if I have a problem with you, I'll say it to you. So, if your sensibilities are upset easily by bad language or you're one of those people who think everything is about you; then please find another blog to read, but thanks for stopping by.
but i need a venue to vent and cry and scream and laugh and love on, and this is my choice. if something hits you deep inside, please comment. let me know that I'm not alone out here. My husband is a great guy, but he doesn't get it sometimes. and while some people do understand, most of them don't.
OK, I've been going on a tangent here, and lets get back to patience.
I need to learn it, and I'm trying.
but, this morning there was a BFN.
f-me. really?!?! I've been nauseous for 2 days now. and i know that its in my head now. but still. why can't we be prego now. I'm done waiting. I'm done with the doctors appointments, pills, acupressure, acupuncture, books, prayers, good thoughts, karma beads, journals, temp takings, ovulation microscope taking, no caffeine, no chocolate, no heavy lifting, blah blah blah.
patience; how I hate the idea of you.
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