I cannot remember a time at all when I didn’t dream about being a mother. I feel very strongly that we are all on this planet for a very specific reason and I have always thought that my reason was being a mother. I have always wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet. Ever since I was a little girl, my daydreams and "playing house" always had a least one child, if not more.

And then I found the man of my dreams
(no actually, he really truly is. I had a dream of Ryan waiting for me at the end of the aisle, deja vu of our wedding day to the little white lights, when I was about 20. Ask me about it sometime and I'll fill you in.)
And we started trying to have a baby 2 months before our wedding.

And now we are nearing that 2 year wedding anniversary.

So this waiting is extremely hard. If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know these emotions that you encounter along this bullshit journey — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.

And that journey goes like this ...

You start trying and you stop partying so hard and start thinking up baby names and what your child will call you and how you'll tell your folks and siblings and most importantly, your spouse, that you are pregnant. Then you've been trying for about 6 months, and everyone else was getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. And its not just family members and friends, its that woman who buys fried chicken from you everyday, who is complaining about the morning sickness she is experiencing with her 4th child (whom she didn't want mind you) while she is absolutely ignoring her other 3 children who are screaming on the other side of the counter. Come on lady, supervise your fricking kids and be an active mother. MY mother would never have let my sister and I act like that in public. We actually did once, and were banned from the grocery store together with her for a few years. But I digress...

After a while, frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
So basically, the first year is spent trying and trying and trying. Sex starts out as fun but after a while it starts to become a chore. You have an alarm setup in your phone to get up and take your basal temp everyday at the same time.

Another year goes by. Now you've added 2 more alarms in your phone, both for taking your hormones, supplements and of course, that prenatal vitamin that makes you EXTREMELY nauseous. And acupuncture treatments and acupressure treatments begin. We went to the doctor (hence the hormones) and are told we just aren't in sync.
So then you start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.

With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.

Everyone, it seems, becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for them and extremely resentful. Family events become a chore at times; they become more difficult with the addition of every happy child. And these events are torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for these fertile women, I feel like a heinous bitch for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, especially myself. And I sit there at those events, while they all chat about how great it is to be a mother, and how wonderful their children are, and how pregnancy is such a wonderful experience, and wonder, when will it be MY turn? why has the universe given me such a difficult road to travel right now? Why can't I bear children with as much ease as these women, and then become part of their mother conversations. But, as the last one of my girlfriends to get married, it seems that I must be the last one to ever get a child too.

The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem. especially since I can't drink my stress away, nor soak in a hot tub, or hot bubble bath, or do any of the stuff that relaxes me because it can be harmful to either conception or a fetus.

So here we are with no results.
This image is from post secret

That's right, Aunt Flo reared her ugly head yesterday, and she came with a full force.

But I have found a little sanity this week. Understanding how you feel, accepting it and acknowledging it. Taking those feelings and holding them to your breast like a new born child so you can feel something other than despair and longing.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate.