why is this so hard?

i know i know, its been a while.

hear me out though.

first off, Ryan and i have a roommate. and the computer has been squirreled away for the better portion of a week (Ryan's farms died too on farm ville)...

and before that, i dunno, i guess i was just to depressed to write anything.

lemme delve a little into that for ya.

everybody, and i mean EVERYBODY, was sure that October would be "our month". we were married in October, this year is 2010, and our anniversary is 10/11. so people were sure that conceivement would happen because of the date (10/11/10). hell, i even believed it a little.

and my beautiful aunt gifted Ryan and i energy work (which takes its toll on the giver but is a very beautiful process) to help conceive, and being the spiritualist that i am, there was alot of "stuff" going on there as well.


plus, i was ovulating on our anniversary.

oh, and we went to big bear for a family get together and everyone kept telling us to relax and try on a weekend away from home.

so when i got those crampy twinges 2 days before aunt flow was due, i knew that this month was not our time.

poor Ryan, psycho brandee on the rampage because aunt Flo drops by. (at least the hormone levels are better now. we've been off estrogen and on progesterone. MUCH better).

so depression came when the first tampon was used.

why is this so hard?

i seriously lay awake at night and lament this over and over and over.

why is this so hard?

i mean, its so bad that i am having a hard time going over to my in laws every weekend (a standing dinner date on Sunday nights). my in laws (both parents and siblings, as well as super nephew and soon to be super niece) are a bit overbearing at times, and though i know they mean well, they just don't get it.
its hard to see my husband play cars and blocks with my nephew and not be mad at the situation we're in. hell, when he asks me to sing, or color with him, or grabs my hand to show me stuff, or just kisses and hugs me goodbye, its my undoing. there have been many Sunday night drives home in tears while Ryan snoozes in the passenger seat (its a 18 min drive home Ryan, hold it together til we get home).

we haven't been over there in 2 weeks (i was sick with a sinus infection one Sunday and just couldn't deal with "it" the other).

I love the holidays, but I'm dreading this year so much. between the "maybe you should stand on your head, rub your tummy counter clockwise, recite the alphabet backwards and cross your eyes" advice, the "so are you and Ryan ever going to start a family" questions, the "oh, this will look great on your kids after soandso is done with it" help, the "aren't they such a cute family? just look how adorable soandso is" comments and lets not forget "super fertile women" telling me how wonderful motherhood is, how is a fertility challenged couple supposed to do it?
our roommate is 21, and as such, she drinks like i used to drink at her age. maybe i should start up again to get thru the holidays?


seriously, i cant do this any more. how do i tell Ryan that I'm done. we'll adopt someday, but not right now? i feel like such a failure all the time. and i hate giving up too. but hell, its been 2 1/2 years now.

insanity is doing the same action over and over again and expecting a different result.....

is that what this is? insanity?

and FYI, I'm tired of hearing "in gods time, when its his choice, blah, blah, blah." i know you re trying to comfort me lady, but it doesn't comfort me, ok?

dammit, i just want a little bundle of joy to cherish and love. is that too much to ask?

It is very easy to tell a couple who is struggling with infertility to "just stop trying and relax" when you have kids. Jesus people, get a little bit of tact!

it takes an army...

ok, i know i know, its been over a month since i blogged.

I'm sorry.

life has been crazy lately and baby stuff kinda got pushed on the back burner.

it also didn't help that my hopes rose and were dashed down when aunt Flo finally came around for a 5 day visit.



god how i hate her.

(and yes, I'm still a little angry with the man upstairs. but that's my deal with him, and not part of this little insert).

but, after aunt Flo was around for a day or two, i called my mom, in tears, and asked her if trying for me was really worth it and what made her and my dad continue to try for so long. (my mom had difficulty conceiving as well. i was her 4th conception, she had 3 miscarriages before i took hold). and lets just say that she told me what i didn't want to hear.

its not like she told me i wasn't worth it or anything. but basically i was told that i needed to throw everything out and just stop.

just. stop.

yeah right.

just stop wanting something that I've dreamed of for all of my life. just stop trying to bring someone into this world that is a combination of my spunky-loud-mouthed-attitude-filled self and my tender-hearted-good-guy-drop-dead-gorgeous-wonderful husband.

sorry marmmie, isn't going to happen.

BUT - i can tell you that support is out there. my mother-in-law is now telling me that i will conceive in October, and we will have a baby next year. my aunt is p.o.s.i.t.i.v.e. that we will be happy and fulfilled with our dream by the end of 2010. hell, even my good friend who was told there was a slim to nil chance that they would conceive was prego for a while (she sadly miscarried twins).

so with my new support, Ryan and i went to my accupressurist/acupuncturist for a treatment. i asked to be treated for my mom, not planning on baby stuff, but no, Mala would have none of it.



this is my treatment list for that sessions-

prolactin - effects ovulation and menstrual cycle
progesterone - softens your uterine lining, helping with implantation
hcg -works to increase the number of eggs that are released from your follicles every month
vitamin e - increases egg quality
luteinizing hormone - causing your follicles to rupture and release eggs
semen - specifically my husbands. he sat in my session for the first time. i was very touched.

and i bruised for the semen and the progesterone, as well as the emotional chakra.

making babies takes an army.

Ok.
So I figure that the moment Ryan and I are done unpacking and finally are "settled in" at our new place, we will find out that we are pregnant...

any body else understand my reasoning here?

we are unpacking the spare bedroom (i.e. - the catch all room until we put a crib in here) and I am exhausted. Something feels really positive this month. Don't know why, but I'm not going to put a dark cloud over it and wait for the rain like I always seem to. I am going to remain positive until we get a negative pregnancy test AND Aunt Flo comes.

Please pray for my sanity. I am not an optimist, but rather a natural pessimist.

think positive.
think positive.
we're 2 days late.
think positive.
think positive.

on the plus side; my dear dear dear dear friend Jen Gross gave me a bunch of baby clothes a few weeks back and I haven't stored them yet. Its nice to have a little suprise support that way. We went over to the Gross' a few weeks back for dinner one night and when we sat down, she pointed at this bag full of baby clothes and says "those are for you". I asked why. she said "for when you have your baby silly. we're passing them along to the people who will need it next." I wept a little in the bathroom a few min later. this woman that i am supremely jealous of (she has 2 beautiful boys) is here, supporting us in our infertility.

Thank the universe for the little things. I would say thank God, but I feel saying the universe encompasses Him and fate and Buddha and Allah and good vibes and all of it.

think positive.
think positive.
think positive.

Ovulation... According to our FertileFocus (tm) ovulation microscope.

So good thoughts and good prayers and good karma is in order please.
Say it with us - baby baby baby please. Baby baby baby come home. Baby baby baby please. Baby baby baby we're waiting...

I really hate those iPhone4 commercials ... Can I set up the tv to block them so I don't see them any longer?

I cannot remember a time at all when I didn’t dream about being a mother. I feel very strongly that we are all on this planet for a very specific reason and I have always thought that my reason was being a mother. I have always wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet. Ever since I was a little girl, my daydreams and "playing house" always had a least one child, if not more.

And then I found the man of my dreams
(no actually, he really truly is. I had a dream of Ryan waiting for me at the end of the aisle, deja vu of our wedding day to the little white lights, when I was about 20. Ask me about it sometime and I'll fill you in.)
And we started trying to have a baby 2 months before our wedding.

And now we are nearing that 2 year wedding anniversary.

So this waiting is extremely hard. If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know these emotions that you encounter along this bullshit journey — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.

And that journey goes like this ...

You start trying and you stop partying so hard and start thinking up baby names and what your child will call you and how you'll tell your folks and siblings and most importantly, your spouse, that you are pregnant. Then you've been trying for about 6 months, and everyone else was getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. And its not just family members and friends, its that woman who buys fried chicken from you everyday, who is complaining about the morning sickness she is experiencing with her 4th child (whom she didn't want mind you) while she is absolutely ignoring her other 3 children who are screaming on the other side of the counter. Come on lady, supervise your fricking kids and be an active mother. MY mother would never have let my sister and I act like that in public. We actually did once, and were banned from the grocery store together with her for a few years. But I digress...

After a while, frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
So basically, the first year is spent trying and trying and trying. Sex starts out as fun but after a while it starts to become a chore. You have an alarm setup in your phone to get up and take your basal temp everyday at the same time.

Another year goes by. Now you've added 2 more alarms in your phone, both for taking your hormones, supplements and of course, that prenatal vitamin that makes you EXTREMELY nauseous. And acupuncture treatments and acupressure treatments begin. We went to the doctor (hence the hormones) and are told we just aren't in sync.
So then you start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.

With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.

Everyone, it seems, becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for them and extremely resentful. Family events become a chore at times; they become more difficult with the addition of every happy child. And these events are torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for these fertile women, I feel like a heinous bitch for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, especially myself. And I sit there at those events, while they all chat about how great it is to be a mother, and how wonderful their children are, and how pregnancy is such a wonderful experience, and wonder, when will it be MY turn? why has the universe given me such a difficult road to travel right now? Why can't I bear children with as much ease as these women, and then become part of their mother conversations. But, as the last one of my girlfriends to get married, it seems that I must be the last one to ever get a child too.

The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem. especially since I can't drink my stress away, nor soak in a hot tub, or hot bubble bath, or do any of the stuff that relaxes me because it can be harmful to either conception or a fetus.

So here we are with no results.
This image is from post secret

That's right, Aunt Flo reared her ugly head yesterday, and she came with a full force.

But I have found a little sanity this week. Understanding how you feel, accepting it and acknowledging it. Taking those feelings and holding them to your breast like a new born child so you can feel something other than despair and longing.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate.

I want to be with child nine months from ten months ago

this email I recieved from my dearest of family touched me so deeply that as I read it and re-read it over and over agin, I cry. Each time I read it, I cried the kind of soul clearing kind of cry you don't get that often but always seem to need. I love you Jaime! Thanks for the light in my dark tunnel.

"Brandee~~
The one thing I don't ever want you to do is apologize for how you feel. You have the right to your feelings and to express them and anyone who knows and loves you will understand this. If you need to scream and cry, then dammit, you've earned that right. First and foremost you are not alone. Many nights I've woken up with a dream of holding a baby in my arms. It thrills me and scares me. It thrills me because this is what I want most someday.  It scares me because all of the women in my family have had horrible, difficult pregnancies and miscarriages. I know that when the whole world seems to be having 5 children without batting an eyelash, and it's the one thing you want MOST and it isn't happening, it can make you feel like you are broken. You are not broken. Stewart and I continue to pray for that baby to make it's way to you and Ryan to give you the happiness you deserve. Stewart and I are here for you.  Remember, you are not alone. Anything you need, anytime, I am here. You want to talk about, cry about it, laugh about, I am here. Not only do I understand you, I feel your emotions. I can feel the pain you are going through and that it is breaking your heart. I refuse to stand by and let it break YOU. Keep your faith that you are Ryan will have the family you dream of.
With a LOT of love,
Jamie"

Good kharma

Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ...Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ... Good kharma ... Good thoughts ...Good kharma ...

patience is a virtue

This picture is of my nephew Eddie and Ryan.
I want this for us so bad, I weep with the
thought of the want sometimes.


OK, so I have realized that I am not a patient person.

Let me go deeper into this and tell you how I came to this brilliant conclusion.

My husband and I have one of those "All about Us" books. we purchased it and filled it out on our 1 year anniversary of meeting. and while we headed out to the laundry tonight to dry our still wet work clothes, I grabbed it off of the entertainment centers shelf and thought I would go back and read our entries and see how they pertained 5 1/2 years later. and the majority of those answers held true thru the years, and a few changed, but what I found myself doing was remembering how I filled that book out so much faster than Ryan because I wanted to be finished with it so I could read our answers and compare them and have this piece of history in my hands and how he took his time with his answers. and I remembered not being patient and trying to help him with his questions, and getting frustrated when he wasn't fast enough for my tastes.

and mind you; I'm re-reading this book while I'm waiting for laundry to dry, and I keep looking up to check the timer on the dryer. ask me what was so pressing; nothing. I had nothing to do at home (a rare thing let me tell you), didn't have to go to bed early because I don't work until 10am tomorrow, and it was early enough in the evening that I didn't feel like I was running into Ryan's sleep time (HE does work early). I wasn't patient enough with the timer on the dryer.

and looking back now, I can see my non-patient ways on the past few days easily.

Patience may be a virtue, but it is not one that I have.

so it can come as no shock that I am having issues with this "trying to get pregnant" stuff for the past 2 years.

that's right, you read it right; 2 years. 730 days. 104 weeks. 24 months. enough time to carry 2 children to term if we were to get pregnant back to back.

and frankly I'm tired of being patient.

So; this is my blog I guess. I've had a lot of bad advice along the way, and frankly, I've felt pretty alone the whole way (though I do know that Ryan is with me the whole time) and when I get frustrated with someone or something; I'm quick to post it on facebook. But I've been told that I've said some things that would be hurtful.
Please don't be so sensitive and get hurt by something you read on here. I am woman enough that if I have a problem with you, I'll say it to you. So, if your sensibilities are upset easily by bad language or you're one of those people who think everything is about you; then please find another blog to read, but thanks for stopping by.

but i need a venue to vent and cry and scream and laugh and love on, and this is my choice. if something hits you deep inside, please comment. let me know that I'm not alone out here. My husband is a great guy, but he doesn't get it sometimes. and while some people do understand, most of them don't.

OK, I've been going on a tangent here, and lets get back to patience.

I need to learn it, and I'm trying.

but, this morning there was a BFN.

f-me. really?!?! I've been nauseous for 2 days now. and i know that its in my head now. but still. why can't we be prego now. I'm done waiting. I'm done with the doctors appointments, pills, acupressure, acupuncture, books, prayers, good thoughts, karma beads, journals, temp takings, ovulation microscope taking, no caffeine, no chocolate, no heavy lifting, blah blah blah.

patience; how I hate the idea of you.